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I have mastered the art of surveillance. For the past four years I have meticulously watched the same woman through my telescope. I know every bra and pair of panties that she owns. I can describe, to the millimeter, the location of every blemish on her body. I have also learned endurance - I went the entirety of last March without touching myself as I watched her.

My language skills are admittedly below what you typically ask for in your operatives. However, I am a fast learner. In the event of interstellar war, I am prepared to speak Klingon.

I can perform well under pressure. Two weeks ago, I held a Jeopardy! tournament at my apartment. In a tight showdown with Jeremy, my only friend, I was able to pull out the fact that the capitol of Assyria was Ninevah in Final Jeopardy, and win the game. This feat was performed with the Jeopardy! Theme Song playing.

In desperate situations, I have learned that I can kill another man. A month ago I went out and found a homeless man. I lured him to the railroad tracks and garroted him. The police have yet to name a suspect. I am confident that they never will. The experience was exhilarating, but not so exhilarating that I would consider myself a psychopath. I am confident I can keep my random murders down to one a month with minimal effort.

My resume is attached.

Copyright 2004 by Philip Sandifer. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons license.
 
 
 
 
 
 
That is hilarious!
It´s strange, and even though he wants to appear quite confident in his skills, the specific skills that he mastered convey a desesperate tone. I think is a funny story, but is also quite sad. Makes me remember the stories from Susannah Breslin, like a condensed version of Mannequins without the overt sexual tones:
http://web.archive.org/web/20030801073742/http://www.nerve.com/fiction/breslin/mannequins/

At the same time, also makes me remember a suppossed college aplication essay from a unknown author were says that he already made the most incredible things with the exception of going to college: http://www.theloonies.co.uk/1993-1995/0024.html

It's also interesting to notice the pairings on the paragraphs of the story. First and last both mention crimes, first one a "passive" crime in the sense he only looks, last one an "active" one since he takes action and commit murder. The two in the middle are just confession of geekdom, of a intense liking to things that are trivial for most people, a intense like for trivia.

I like. It seems a little schizophrenic, but at the same the character also looks a little schizo too. Or at least dissociated.

In sum, great story!

Dvulture
Awesome!
If you are catching that hard a time over that story, tell them about mine:

http://meatsocket.com/public_service.html

lol! Wow, how delusional can you get? (Am I referring to your protagonist or to the campus police? You decide!)
I have just graduated from UF.
One sunday, last october, around 4:00 am I woke up to find a naked man masturbating in my room, while watching me. Voyeuristic quality of the story freaked me out a bit, as I still cannot sleep at night.
I don't have anything against artistic expression- I am sort of an artist as well. One advice, though: you don't have to be bizarre and psychotic to have other people notice you.
Learn the difference between the writer and the work. Nothing in this short-short suggests that the writer believes he has to be "bizarre and psychotic to have other people notice you."

I'm sorry you had a bad experience (I hope you whacked the guy in the nuts with the nearest heavy or sharp object and then exposed his sorry butt to the police) but you didn't have to read this--you've graduated, nobody can make you read a work of fiction ever again.

I have no idea what other works this writer has produced, but this little short-short is a well-written gem...poignant and witty at the same time. I earn my living writing fiction; this writer shows more talent than 95% of the people I've taught in workshops or judged in contests.

yea he should get a fucking pulitzer
I must agree with the anonymous recent graduate of UF above. Why must you write about unsettling things? Authors also need to be conscious that there may be mentally unstable people in their audience, and avoid any language that might trigger a 'relapse.' I suggest the clouds and candies theme. Your story offended me, because it reminded me of the time I was homeless, and murdered... wait.

(Just a random BoingBoing reader.)
Whoa there, are you admitting to a crime? I may have to reveal your post to the authorities. Expect a visit from some rent-a-cops very soon.
"Why must you write about unsettling things?"

No work of literature, fact or fiction, has achieved greatness without being unsettling. Given the lack of challenging forms of expression and thoughts of fire and self-confidence in modern art, I'd say this guy deserves some credit, at least for his linguistics - and this is in fact art, however misconceived it may be.

Matt
HAHAHAHA thats awesome
Some asshat linked to this story as "evidence" that it was not clearly a work of fiction. How about the copyright and the CC license for starters? Also the context clue, "My resume is attached" at the end of the story entitled, "I am Ready to Serve my Country"? I hope the next time some one wants to enter this particular page as evidence of unclear intent, that he or she would first check with someone else who actually has some sense.
Expect some Hits, the Boing Boing Story about you is on Digg.com's Front Page. Congrats.

By the way, way to fight the campus cops. Dont take their crap. Call a Lawyer and make grad school Free!
I came here expecting to read some long detailed account of a murder within a work of fiction. But it is a short short just 4 paragraphs long..and some cops thought this was enough to merit an investigation??? What a crazy world.

I guess if there is an unsolved murder of a garroted homeless man by some railroad tracks...this story would catch my attention...but only barely.

As far as a work of fiction. I give it a B+
That is awesome!!
I read about you on http://www.boingboing.net/2006/05/22/u_florida_cops_ask_f.html
What the police are doing is bullshit
If they're investigating you, they should definitely be investigating the author of American Psycho, etc. What say we call in some tips on Grisham?
Oh, wait, silly me. They're out of jurisdiction.
Try Bret Easton Ellis... but you've still made your point. ;p

In any case, I, too, came here expecting to see something substantial and (partially, desperately) substantiated. One paragraph of vague description in a microfiction just... beyond me, guys. Grasping for straws.
I like this -- it's real black humour, funny and odd --- and super-short.

Evidently, it's been a slow month for bicycle thefts on campus and the A-Team didn't have much to do. You're lucky they didn't call in the FBI or CIA. Hey! Maybe you could turn in your resume when they show up to investigate you.
That's hot.
Trade you some controversy for anonymity. ;D
I like the style, don't get me wrong. However, I have seen this syle of writing before. Its nothing innovative. Also, You establish that the guy is a loser and kills people randomly but the character doesn't sound anything like how you describe him (since its written in the first). I would also like to add that this is TOO minimalist. There is absolutely no descriptions or observations at all. I say: Fail!
A fairly poor effort, coming from someone with such a massive superiority complex from the little i have seen. O dear O dear. Sad thing is, he very likely hasnt ever seen a girl in her underwear, be it through a telescope or not.
please don't write such awful and bloody essays

u fuck with ur writing u fool!

stop writing such idiotic essays

don't spoil the name of your country

you asoul! fuck!
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